Mitch Hedberg jokes

I saw a woman on TV who was born without arms, she had her hands attached to her shoulders. But the TV lady said she didn't know the meaning of can't. And I thought: That's even worse.

Mitch Hedberg

For a fish to become a fish stick, it needs to have good posture.

Mitch Hedberg

Russel Crowe on Craig Ferguson 2008

I gave up drinking quite a few things, but not altogether. There are just some things I don't drink anymore because i realised me and that particular product don't see eye to eye at a certain time of the morning.

Russel Crowe on Craig Ferguson 2008

Mistresses US s01e10

- Yes, Olivier?

- How did you know it was me?

- I can smell your Acqua di Gio from two decades away. 

Humor: Anger Management 2x28

Nolan - I got robbed.
Patrick - Are you hurt?
Nolan - A little bit. They kept saying my stuff was crap...

Anger Management 2x28

Citações: Trust, de Hal Hartley, 1990

- I got to see this jerk about a job. 

Citações: Whitney 2x13

- Let's go on our honeymoon. Let's go some place fun, like Las Vegas.
- Las Vegas? Am I not spending your money fast enough in Chicago?

Citações: Whitney 2x08 I Love You

- I love you.
- What did you say?
- I was talking to my drink.

Citações: Whitney 2x01 "feelings are not facts"

- What was that?
- Nothing.
- It didn't feel like nothing.
- Feelings are not facts.

Citações: The Return of Jezebel James

I don't think I'm the adoption type. I get a little freaked out when strangers use my bathroom, you know? What if he grows up and tries to kill me, I mean, I kinda asked for it, right?

Parker Posey, The Return of Jezebel James 1x01

José Saramago, A Caverna

(...) o trabalho que se faz sonhando nunca deixou obra feita. 

José Saramago, A Caverna

Citações: St. Ives

Ray St. Ives (Charles Bronson), após rejeitar uma mala com 4 milhões de dólares que não lhe pertencem:
- Sai caro ser honesto (It's expensive to be honest).

Citação: Broken City 2013

- So, you do believe in love.
- I believe in loving the one you're with.
- What are you, stupid or catholic?
- Both.

Citações: The Master (2012)

During questioning:
- Are you unpredictable?
The interviewee farts.

Citação: End of Watch 2012

Antes de propores alguém em casamento, tens de te perguntar muito seriamente: Consegues viver sem ela?

End of Watch 2012

Citações: The Hottest State

“It's kind of like this. You wake up in the middle of the night and you're dying for a glass of milk. So you stumble out of bed, stub your toe in the darkness, scream with pain, and limp your way to the refrigerator. You open it up and the light is brilliant. You're saved. Then you fold back the paper container, open up the milk, take a deep breath, and put it to your lips. Only --- yhrch! --- the milk is spoiled. Sure, you're bummed. You fold the thing close and put it back in the fridge. It's dark again. But as you're making your way to your lonely old bed, you think to yourself, Wait a minute, maybe that milk wasn't so bad. And I am still thirsty? So you do an about-face and go back to the fridge. The light warms you up again. You take a sip and yup, it's still spoiled. That, to me, is the fitting metaphor for most every relationship I've ever been in.”

― Ethan Hawke, The Hottest State

Citações: Rock of Ages

- L.A.’s not really working out for me. I’m a stripper.

- I’m in a boy’s band.

- You win.

Citações: People like us

- Don't use that stuff, it's got artificial dying, some people are allergic.
- Who are you?
- I'm a facilitator.
- And you were sent from the future to kill me?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1716777/

People Like Us (2012)

www.imdb.com

Directed by Alex Kurtzman. With Chris Pine, Elizabeth Banks, Michelle Pfeiffer, Olivia Wilde. While settling his recently deceased father's estate, a salesman discovers he has a sister whom he never knew about, leading both siblings to re-examine their perceptions about family and 

Citação: Matewan

Sobre haver uma razão divina para tudo:

"I think all God plans is we get born, and we got to take it from there."

Citação: Wrath of the Titans

- Helius, I'm Agenor.
- I heard you were a great disappointment.
- That's right, I'm great.

Citação: Iron Sky

Dois Nazis de Marte observam o poster central desdobrável de uma Playboy e comentam:

- As mulheres da Terra não têm pêlos. São como os bebés. E, as que têm, são como o bigode do Fuhrer.